Tihar Jail was meant to house hardened criminals, thiefs, rapists, murderers, cheats and other gentlemen of similar caliber, and train them to become useful units of Society. But recent events in our country have brought eminent bureaucrats, leaders and corporate giants into Tihar Jail (or should I call it ‘Tihar Corrrectional Centre’) as M’me Kiran Bedi had aptly named it. 

The problems with the Tihar administrators have grown manifold. These new Five Star inmates have to be lodged in VIP Wing for which they were not fully prepared. To add to their woes, Tihar authorities were understaffed. They had to check and report what these inmates were doing on a day to day basis – for instance if Kalmadi was having tea with the Jail Superintendent then, this fact had to be reported to the Government as Government’s ‘further’ policies depended on these and other similar intel reports. 

An official there, who chose to remain anonymous, confessed that these VIP jail birds had very delicate feathers and had to be handled with utmost care, treated and fed well, and also kept at a safe distance from hardened criminals. And to compound their problems further, the administrators had to deal with a huge influx of VVIPs who were pouring in daily to meet these new ‘five star’ inmates. Due protocol had to be observed. No laxity in the ‘services’ permitted. 

Now with the 2G scam being blown out of proportions, the Tihar facility administrators do not know how many new blocks to be constructed for a separate VIP ward to accommodate those VIPs who are still in the queue to be sent to Tihar. It’s not the construction alone, these blocks will have to be furnished* properly and will have to be well equipped to provide facilities better than Five Star hotels. After all it is a question of taking proper care of our important ‘leaders’ and top officials. 

*These wards should have well furnished bedrooms, with attached baths, a visitor’s lounge, a living room, a colour TV – but no bar. The wards kitchen will have a multi-cuisine fare with hot and cold drinks, but as I have said, no bar.

That will save the authorities from dealing with drunken brawls, no throwing of microphones and furniture inside the Tihar as is their usual practice inside vidhan sabhas and similar venues. The provision of food and beverages can be outsourced to a Government run hotel. 

Then this new VIP facility inside Five Star Tihar should have a modern well equipped hospital also, as most of the leaders feign sickness as soon as they enter Tihar and are to be taken to AIIMS. Well equipped ICUs are also required as these elders start getting heart problems as these inmates have been deprived of spending their own hard-earned sack full of Dollars.

This medical facility would henceforth save the cost of security and transportation to AIIMS and other allied administrative difficulties.

The jail officials are also extremely scared that these new creed of jail birds may get bail quickly and may become Ministers again and come hard upon them with acts of vengeance. 

The biggest scare they have today is that their previous Boss, M’me Kiran Bedi, Director General of the Bureau of Police Research and Development, (who earlier held the post of Inspector General of Prisons) , may also be housed here on one pretext or another, as the Government is trying to rope her in, on charges of a DA case. M’me Kiren Bedi, an upright IPS officer had sought voluntary retirement from service and is now a Social Activist.

God only help Tihar Administration.

Ravi Matah.

I was then half awake-half asleep, slightly irritated, I had splashed water on my face, with my spectacles on, and couldn’t see anything – but had to attend the door bell, asap.

I  walked quickly, opened the door and all I could see was a silhoutte. Something wrong with my vision  or was it the water on my spectacle lenses? Finally, I could make out that he was the milkman. Took a utensil to the door and he poured the milk. I went back in again and was about to keep the utencil on the burner the bell rang again. Because of the blurred vision and  distraction from the call bell, I inadvertently kept it on the edge of the burner, the utencil skidded and almost half of the milk spilled on the shelf. What a mess – all because of the blooming hand towel. Where was it?

I removed the spectacles and went to the front door. There was no one and I found the newspaper on the verandah floor. When I picked it up, it was all blurred, couldn’t read a word without the spectacles.

I dare not wake up ‘M’ before she  herself wakes up as I had enough mess on the kitchen shelf. She wouldn’t have been of much help either, except she would have blasted me -”Can you ever do anything properly”? Sometimes she leaves me with no option but to retaliate “Hey listen, both are software engineers”.

I tip-toed towards the bathroom, through my son’s bedroom, to wash my face and wipe my glasses with a tissue. There was lot of clutter lying on the floor. When these kids are small, they are very nice and obedient. When they are professional post-grads, they are worse than kids. In his spare time he plays with remote controlled toys – helicopters, cars, planes and all the tools required in assembling them, are always scattered on the floor. When will he ‘sudhro’? Can’t even bash him up, as he dodges me better than Bruce Lee.

Once in the bathroom, I cleaned my glasses with the tissue and then I found that the blooming hand towel had all along been on my shoulder.

A cool head is important  as Giani Zail Singhji, Ex President of India, had so very rightly said that “gussa aatta hai, to dimag chala jata hai – gussa chala jata hai to dimag aa jata hai”. (When anger comes,  the brain goes away and when anger goes – the brain comes back).

Keep your cool and have a nice day.

Ravi Matah

Whiskey - on the rocks

Indeed, I enjoy my drink just before dinner. My wife tells me not to drink but should I drink or not? I still don’t have the answer.

My doctor says a little bit in the evening is okay, but try to avoid it. OK, if I avoid drinking then what will happen to the thousands of people who  work in the orchards growing apples, oranges and those working in the vineyards taking care of grapes.

They all would be without a job and then how will they be able to place food on the table for their families. Poor things, it would be disaster for them if I stop drinking.

When I take my first one, my wife calls from the dining room ‘What are you doing – food is getting cold and I wont heat it up again’. She is fishing for an opportunity to scold me. Then, someone had very rightly said -’Home is the place to go after the bar closes’.

When she says,  ‘stop drinking’ – ‘ I stop listening’ and quickly pour another one – just before she is able to repeat her warning.

When I read about the evils of drinking – the damage they cause to the liver and pancreas - I stop reading.

There are 24 hours in a day and  24 bottles in a carton – is that a sheer coincidence? Or is it any indication of what we should do every hour of the day

I should not be selfish about my liver etc. After all if I stop drinking, what will happen to those workers employed in the breweries? As it is thousands of people are being laid off in this time of recession. The drink makes us happy and implies that God wants us to be happy. If we are happy, we are healthy.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all drink and go to heaven! “- said George Bernard Shaw.

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” said Lyndon B. Johnson.

Regular consumption of drinks kills the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and efficient machine. The resultant effect makes you stronger. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few drinks. Remember, the mouse shouted “Where is the blooming cat?”- only after a couple of drinks.

Then there was this poor fellow who went to Bombay from a small village to eek out a living. He stayed with a friend, a professional beggar. He suggested him to sit outside a temple, gurdwara or mosque and  start begging so that at the end of the day he should have sufficient money. He sat there from dawn to dusk but didn’t get alms.
 
Depressed and dejected he walked towards home and there was a ‘bar’ on the way from where two men walked out. He put his hand forward seeking help. ‘What do you want?’ One of them asked. ‘I am hungry, want money for food’, said the beggar. Promptly he took out a hundred rupee note from his pocket and gave it to the adjacent food stall owner directing him to feed the beggar, as much as he eats.

Ample evidence of magnanimity in a man after a drink.
 
‘Oh God, I was looking for you in the temple and gurudwara,  but didn’t know, you lived in a bar’, the beggar said loudly.

Ravi Matah

Thereafter, went  to college and wore tee-shirts as there was no specific dress code. At the time, cricket was played in white clothes, until Kerry Packer of Channel 9 Australia, innovated coloured trousers and changed the white to a coloured tee-shirt with the country’s name in front and player’s name and  number on it’s back. And rightfully so, TENdulkar got the number ‘ten’ on his tee-shirt. So, the digits and words arrived on  tee-shirts.

We have recently come to Seattle (US) and my daughter has been blessed with a daughter. The baby was born at the Overlake Hospital and Medical Centre. We frequented the hopital every day for four days and had to go to the ‘mother-child-care’ area. It was there that I found so many babies in the arms of parents or in the strollers and read the quotes printed on their tee-shirts. I used to laugh reading them and now wish to share a few of the captions with my readers.

This is where the tee-shirt took an amazing turn. Just look at what new-borns’ and couple of months old are wearing and how well they communicate -

 - mama loves me

 - love U mom.

 - If you dont feed me,
   Nobody sleeps

 - love U daddy

 - daddy loves me

 - mama I’m hungry

 - My Mom is best

 - Mamma’s pet kid

 - lock up your DAUGHTERS

 - that’s how I roll

 - If u think I’m cute, you should see my MOM

 - Please dont touch me! My mom is paranoid

 - Mommies little man

 - Nana loves me

 - 50% mommy, 50% daddy = 100% cute

 - I go from calm to Cranky in 20 seconds

 - I am a chic magnet

 - i Pood!!

I love international football club matches with world renowned names on the tee-shirts, but the kids tee-shirts are far more fascinating and enjoyable to view.

I hope you liked my recollection of few of them!

Ravi Matah

The  TV channels churn out one pathetic story after another full of quarrels with no respite to the viewer. There is a total vaccum,  so far as good educative programmes or comedy programmes are concerned. When will they make the viewer laugh?

People watching their favorite programmes or news,  view these ads during every break.- “Gori in fifteen days, use this cream” – “Grow hair in a month, use this oil”, – “Stay young forever, use this German technology cream” -’Keep your hair long and strong” use this oil. –   “Use this deo to catch girls”.  Are all  the viewers idiots?

It is a fact that it is the parent’s responsibility to educate their children, but what to do if this nonsense penetrates your house with closed doors. Most of Indian households have only one TV and the family watches it together

What exactly are they trying to teach the young ones?  Most of the stories shown on TV channels teach you how to mistreat wives, have extra marital affairs, beat them, disgrace them and to give a happy ending to the lousy 36 weeks old story, they  marry them. What is the moral behind their stories. No one can relish this chaos after a hard days work. Why can’t they think of some comedy serials to make people laugh? If you can’t make good comedy programmes, repeat the 42 episodes of ‘Yeh jo Hai Zindagi’ and bring Amin Sayani to start the Binaca Geetmala on TV.

And then you have to withstand these stupid ads.

The hero in an ad uses a deodorant  and half a dozen girls embrace him in the middle of the street.  I used that deo once, forget the girls embracing me; even auntieji did not give me a cursory glance.

Do you jump in the  air when you buy a good quality rubber slipper and wear it for the first time?

 Does your lady love dance and sing in the kitchen when she cooks food in super brand refined oil? Then there are ads of so many soaps and detergents which are irritating.

‘Gori’ in 15 days. Apply this. It can never happen, and if all the girls become gori, then where to find one slightly dark complexioned one? Dark is exotic.

Grow new hair -  use this to stop hair fall also. Wow, I wouldn’t have been a baldie.

Try this cream – stay young forever – “Italian technology se bana hai” (This is made from Italian technology), because Indians can’t make it.

Six men trying to lift a truck with its parts falling, wearing horrible red trousers and purple shirts, singing and dancing. Then one holds a can to tell the viewers that this is quality engine oil. I vote this as the most horrible ad because  it is   extremely ill-conceived. 

They say, zero to sixty in ten seconds?  Is speed the only criterion to tell the viewer that this bike is good? Please educate the viewers of the specifications of the machine? The power, the rpm, the bhp, the fuel consumption, the system of brakes – why not?

All ads of two wheelers shown on the TV are absolutely irritating.

 ”Mama, why did we get this water purifier”? To have a bath with clean water!!!

 Look at this – he jumps down from buildings, runs down flights of stairs stands in the middle of a road to wait for the truck – only to steal a cold drink?  Please don’t steal, buy it.

The list of idiosyncrasies is endless. I could keep going  for weeks.

Yes there are good ads also. The advertising company for Fevicol (adhesive) has done a splendid job and is the best ad maker in this country. They churn out one ad every year and it is a treat to watch. It instantly conveys the message and makes you smile.

All the ads of the small chweet little girl with an equally cute small dog, ‘happy to help’, are very well made. And so were the zoozoo’s ads made for a mobile company. Other ad companies should follow suit.

Come on, use your upper chamber and make catchy ads. You have only ten seconds in which to convey the message. You don’t need a beautiful girl to advertise a shaving blade. It’s a man’s prerogative.

The catch line is – ‘convey the message and make people smile’.

Ravi Matah